I AM The Universe: Random Thoughts

I know, there’s plenty of reasons for that. Hitting on a married woman (forbidden fruit, what’s a man to do? *shrug*), sucking at God of War (the god will smite you for that!), not worshiping Elvis (or appreciating Britney Spears’ music, if you allow me the liberal use of the word music), or not knowing who Ingrid Bergman was. And there there’s the more colorful ways, let me count the ways:

• When your boss asks how your meeting with someone went, tell him Oh, I had her saying ‘Yes! Yes! Yes!’ And when your manager looks blankly back at you, say back True story.
• That colleague sitting on the next desk, with the shirt with shoulder flaps? Un-button the shoulder flaps, and button them to the wrong ends so that the right shoulder flap is buttoned to his left shoulder and vice versa.
• Just as you’re leaving for lunch, and a colleague asks you why you never ask her out to lunch, tell her that she’s fat and that she needs to go on a diet. If another colleague tries to console the poor girl that she’s not fat, tell him to stop sucking up, then turn to her and tell her than only two kinds of men would have this opinion of her; a) married men, who have been programmed to say that, because well, let’s face it – when a woman asks you if she looks fat you don’t think, you just say NO! And b) single men who’re trying to hit on her. And tell her that since you’re neither, she can totally trust your honest and sincere opinion and should go on a diet. Then go about your way to Hardees.

I’m sure I’ll figure out more ways.